ATTENTION, ATTENTION: THE GAME HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED NOW THAT PHILLY HAS JUST UNVEILED THE WORLD’S LARGEST T-SHIRT CANNON.

The Philadelphia 76ers announced today that opening night will see the release of not only an unstoppable force of flawless basketball playing demons, but also THE WORLD’S LARGEST T-SHIRT CANNON, CAPABLE OF FIRING 100 T-SHIRTS PER MINUTE, LAUGHING IN THE FACE OF THE INDUSTRY STANDARD: 20 T-SHIRTS PER MINUTE.

PHILADELPHIA HAS BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY FOR DECADES.

THIS IS FOR EVERYONE WHO EVER SAID PHILADELPHIA WOULD NOT AMOUNT TO ANYTHING.

FUCK ALL HATERS, PHILADELPHIA IS NUMBER ONE CHAMPION NOW.

When informed of the news, haters COULD NOT BELIEVE THEIR EARS and PINCHED THEMSELVES TO MAKE SURE THEY WEREN’T DREAMING BUT GUESS WHAT THEY WEREN’T DREAMING, ONLY PHILLY IS DREAMING, IN AS MUCH AS THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE FOR PHILLY AND A NIGHTMARE FOR HATERS.

In addition to Big Bella (THE T-SHIRT GUN IS SO IMPRESSIVE IT WAS GIVEN ITS OWN CHRISTIAN NAME + MODIFIER), the team also announced that every home game will see a new themed “Sixers Parachute Drop,” in which  “T-shirts, free game tickets and other promotional items” will rain down from the rafters of the Wells Fargo Center, TURNING THE ARENA INTO A TERRIFYING SCORCHED SERENGETI REGULARLY CLEANSED WITH THE BURNING HELLFIRE OF PHILLY PRIDE.

In honor of the announcement, Philadelphians all over the world quit their jobs because FUCK WORK WHAT USE IS WORK WHEN HOME IS PHILLY, A LAWLESS PARADISE WHERE ANARCHY REIGNS AND NOBODY IS NOT WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT WAS SHOT AT THEM AT HIGH VELOCITY FROM A T-SHIRT CANNON THAT COULD HAVE ENDED THE CIVIL WAR TWO YEARS SOONER IF ONLY THE UNION FORCES HAD POSSESSED THE TECHNOLOGY.

BYE FOREVER HATERS.

PHILLY OUT.

- Caity

(Image via Twitter, h/t Ball Don’t Lie)