1. Nov 1, 2012 3:00pm

    Ambler Man: 8 Tips For Tending to a Glamorous Drug Addict After Hurricane Sandy

    1. Be ready to explain to your Glamorous Drug Addict that the storm is really bad and that even though it looks like just a little rain, their life will be upended for a significant amount of time. Most Glamorous Drug Addicts usually don’t pay attention to these sort of potentially cataclysmic events unless a tree falls on top of them. And, yes, they probably should have closed their windows before they left their apartment, but, no, it’s probably not worth driving over the bridge to shut them because most of the other vehicles in the East Village appear to be underwater. Wait for them to process this information and brace for the temporary stress it has caused.

    2. The Glamorous Drug Addict in your apartment will be experiencing severe wind gusts of emotional turmoil which will sometimes leave your bedroom covered in debris like empty Coke Zero cans, Hawaiian punch bottles, stale bottles of poppers, Cheeto dust, donuts, and half-drank iced coffee, stray beauty supplies, empty packs of cigarettes, and random pills. Just clean it up quickly, because if it’s left in disarray for too long, it will only cause the wind to pick up again.

    3. They will sleep in your bed for extremely long hours and appear dead.  Let them sleep. They are much better when they sleep. Just check in every hour to make sure they are not dead because you would hate to burden the city’s overworked Emergency Workers with the task of removing a dead Glamorous Drug Addict. Wake them periodically to pour water down their throats and put Neosporin on any open burn wounds they may have neglected. 

    4. While they sleep decorate the Glamorous Drug Addict  with Christmas lights. Also, since they sometimes refuse to eat too much because getting fat during a hurricane is super-lame, just put any food they may have requested on top of them to remind them that they need to eat between 12 hour naps. Pancakes are good, so are oatmeal raisin cookies. (See: Above photo)

    5. Create some space for the Glamorous Drug Addict to be alone so they can do work or spend quiet time thinking about themselves like they’re used to. It’s important. Otherwise, expect them to make you feel like a prisoner in your own home.

    6. Give them odd storm-related activities to do in order for them to feel productive. Like, did you know that Glamorous Drug Addicts can distress t-shirts  by leaving them out in the rain? You did not. Weathered is chic. 

    7. Be kind, be patient, be accommodating to the Glamorous Drug Addict and sometimes they will respond in an unexpectedly human way. There is no upside in bitterness.

    8. The Glamorous Drug Addict will leave without warning, most likely while you’re sleeping. There will be no thank you note. There will be no goodbye. The only thing you can do is believe that they left for a good reason. They know you’ll understand. 

    -AJ

     
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    still the best
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