November is finally here, which means Christmas, which lasts from November to January, is here too. Oprah released her Favorite Things list today, right on time for the premature holiday season. Unfortunately, this year’s splattering of ritzy items that our brokeass family would never buy for us pales in comparison to lists of years past.
For one thing, foodstuffs containing truffles take up five spots of the 48-item list. Everyone knows that if you use truffle oil on Chopped, you get eliminated on the spot. C’mon Oprah, what is this amateur hour?
Oprah endorses the Dyson Pedestal Fan, which is priced at $450.00. She describes her first interaction with the product really beautifully: “The Pedestal Fan was on at the Jenners’ place when I interviewed the Kardashians, and it was love at first breeze.” Not sure if the fan meant to blow away the Kardashian’s hot air is right for every American.
Another item on the list isn’t even one of Oprah’s favorites. It’s her best friend GAYLE’s favorite Blue Velvet Cake (think red velvet, only with the intensely florescent hue of Pepsi Blue). We do not care what Gayle likes, we only want to know what is used in the Winfrey house.
The Corkcicle, a freezable icicle that’s meant to chill a bottle of wine, is actually a pretty neat idea, but it looks like a dildo of death and we’d feel extremely uncomfortable using it around our friends or our parents.
Oprah, you once revealed what the new VW Beetle looked like, you made audience members faint on the spot, and you made Liz Lemon wear a sweater cape. We turn to you for magic, not mediocrity. You better have a hell of a Christmas special lined up.
- Myles Tanzer
[Image via AP]